I started to write three articles already but wasn’t able to finish then.
Little update about my life:
Another semester ended and I can summarize it.
I started with 5 classes and finished two of them. And I will do a resit of my databases class which I have the last attempt.
I can only regret how lazy I was, not going to my databases class the whole semester as if I fail my resit at the end of March, I get kicked out of university. So there is no logic behind not attending the class and still, here I am, the lazy wanker I am.
(isn’t laziness just an old school word for lack of motivation? – likely not, however I still don’t know if I’m lazy or depressed)
I guess I should stop accusing myself of laziness all the time, it just spills more oil into the fire. Because of my existential and suicidal thoughts sometimes, I won’t blame the laziness (like my parent always tell me).
I have now 1,5 months for some decision making. There is this condition what whatever I do, I have to study for the exam at the end of March. I really really hope I will be able to.
There are few scenarios for my future weeks/months/life:
1) Ideal one – IT internship and continuing with my studies
Let me try this one.
— END —
It’s really funny to read it for me now.
Basically, I was lucky so far and made the “1) ideal one. “
I was really lucky, for the databases exam I mentioned above I was studying 2 days only for my last attempt.
This semester is a new start, it’s been 3 weeks already and I haven’t done anything. And I’m currently not working.
I really really hope I won’t repeat my mistakes from the last semester.
Let’s make goals:
1) No porn from today (20/10/2018)
2) Attend all lectures
3) At least start all the exercises
4) Computergraphik: I NEED to finish it and rally study it all the time
5) Learn Git properly
6) Finish the project + at least one class (preferably Game Engines)
7) Make a decision regarding my relationship status (n article will come later)
__________________
What are the possible outcomes of the semester?
1) I will repeat my last semester
I will feel shit and procrastinate a lot, resulting in finishing only one class, getting depressed, but not quitting the university
2) I will fail Computergraphik
Which would inevitably mean my studies would be over.
I would have to rethink my life goals from scratch.
3) I will finish all the classes I am taking
Time-wise totally realistic, if I would only not procrastinate and would do my assignments. I don’t think it would work.
__________________
I know, nothing interesting.
Maybe I will make another article in a year and it would be nice to look what my goals were.
I had a weekend for my assignments, didn’t do anything, I feel like shit, drinking wine. Sounds totally as my last semester. Meh. So far 1) has the highest probability, meh.
I just want to make this little point about mindsets:
Of course it’s bad my mindset is totally fixed, I just don’t know how to change it.
Hello there! I haven’t written an article for an eternity.
I know nobody reads it, I’m writing this only for myself.
My last update was form 11/01/2018 where I was writing about my resolution for the upcoming year.
Now I would like to write a brief summary about my 2018. Actually didn’t want to do it but I started writing another article about gay dating apps and in the introduction I started to write a summary about my year and realized an additional article would be better if I would ever read my blog again.
Anyway, I am definitely doing much better than the previous year.
I had a resolution to get rid of social anxiety and to become more social which kinda happened. I was definitely MUCH social than the previous year. I found a healthy friends circle (counting 2 friends, but yeah, I have finally someone who is there for me).
To be honest, I underrated the importance of friendships. Because of my best friend in Berlin, the life has become much more bearable.
I made a 7 drafts for my new articles early in the year but was unable to finish any of them. These are the titles:
What Am I Doing With My Life, Should I Quit Studying?
Do I Have Depression? ‘
Internet (Screen) Addiction
Jealousy
What Makes Me Swipe Left on Tinder
Music I Like
Has Alcohol Permanently Damaged My Brain?
Basically I don’t think I need to finish them as I think I can bring some answers to them immediately, based on my thoughts or research.
What Am I Doing With My Life, Should I Quit Studying?
I hate my studies but I shouldn’t quit, it only one more year. I should dig deep and learn how to study and focus, otherwise I would hate other studies as well. “What am I doing with my life” is a bad question, is basically just a description, no need to be philosophical about that.
Do I Have Depression? ‘
Not anymore and if, than only a light one.
Interner (Screen) Addiction
I definitely have one, working on it. (deleting instagram, limiting 9gag, wanting to leave Facebook eventually)
Jealousy
I’m extremely jealous and it’s a problem. No big steps made, getting more happy mentally helps.
What Makes Me Swipe Left on Tinder
I actually will make an article about it.
Music I Like
Again, want to write this article indeed.
Has Alcohol Permanently Damaged My Brain?
Yes it definitely destroyed some of my brains cells and caused my depression.
BUT: It doesn’t matter, I don’t need any any certain amount of brains cell (wtf) to be fine.
I can stop drinking alcohol and normalize my brain chemistry. Probably I can even grow some new cells in the brain by exercising and eating healthy.
Because I don’t want to stuck in my past and spend the whole afternoon writing a long summary what I have done and becoming depressive about it, I will write it in a list of positive and negative things.
Positive stuff I did / happened (random order):
I still wasn’t kicked out of the university, studied for my math exam one day and surprisingly passed
I see a light at the end of the tunnel regarding my studies which had a huge positive impact
I was going to a gym a lot, therefore got a nice body
Went out with a friend from the university for the first time
Organized a party in the apartment for the first time since early teenage years and even got some people arriving (most of the my previous dates lol)
Finished an internship (half year, programming), it was hell but I managed to finish it)
I am still having one really good friend I enjoy spending time with and some other friends as well, had a lot of sex with one
My German and English skills got better
I’m not that much sad any more
I enjoy going to my therapy, feeling better than most of the people there
managing 1,5 months without alcohol
Negative stuff I did / happened (random order):
My relationship with my parents is still bad (none)
Still hating the university and studies, no certain visions and goals for the future
Social anxiety is still a big issue
Still abusing social media, porn sites, alcohol and other depression stimulants
No relationship
Condom anxiety
No care about health issues, fungi, bad glasses, HPV
Hair loss (and doing nothing about it)
It is enough for now, I got bored and wrote already two articles today.
I think I am going to write a first article without commenting on happenings in my personal life. I decided to write a list of stuff which I hate on dating apps. I started writing about Tinder but it turned out to be (gay) dating apps in general. (Tinder, PlanetRomeo, Grindr).
I feel unmatchable when it comes to online dating. The majority of guys in Berlin unfortunately meet the criteria of the categories listed below.
Disclaimer: It’s just my personal taste. The order is quite random. I took the screenshots during few evenings last year.
1) No clear face picture
the obvious one
2) No bio
of course, I can ask, but it annoys me to waste my time when I already don’t like 95% of people
you spend on the apps usually many hours but you are too lazy to enhance your chances by making a 10 minute effort to write 200 characters?
3) Bio not in English
if you don’t speak basic English, you are probably stupid or too troubled
what I accept is writing it in your local language as you probably target only people speaking it (confidence, convenience, blabla)
anyway, not speaking English is a turn-off (I don’t speak English very well but a decent one is a must)
4) All pictures with a cap or a hat
we get it, you are bald, stop deceiving me (I don’t have a problem with you being bold but please admit it)
5) Mentioning astrological sign
ugh
(MBTI is okay but still unnecessary)
6) Religion
stop believing in fairy-tales
7) Stupid filters
you are covering your face and you use generic not funny stuff so you looke like all the other stupid people, congratulations
8) Travelers
this might be controversial but as a person who’s not looking for hookups, it’s important that I could possibly maintain the (personal) contact
8) Making exaggerated face expressions
you should try to show yourself in a good natural way, why would you try to look ugly?
9) Description made out of Emojis
I am a big fan of coherent texts; informational value of emojis is really low, usually it expresses that you like coffee and see, congratulations to you for being a human
10) List of Nos
I want to find a reason why to date you, not why you don’t want to date me or the others
(I am also making a list of nos in this article, however this is not a profile description)
11) Coffee, Sports, Music, Travelling
I like these things too, we have so many similarities! (congratulations for being a human)
12) Piercings and Earrings
It’s just my personal taste, it’s a big turn-off, especially nose rings
(sorry for German picture but I can’t agree more)
13) Unprotected Sex
There is nothing more to discus, if you meet with strangers, always use a protection
14) Stupid generic tattoos
“I have the birth dates of my parents in Roman alphabet tattooed, I’m so special and it shows how much I love my family.”
“I saw people with star tattoos in porn, it will make me look hot”
Maybe I am a special snowflake but if you get a tattoo, it better be good looking or original
15) Bad musical taste
If you think Katy Perry is talented or Beyoncé is the best singer in the planet, your taste sucks
I don’t mind if you like the music but please admit the quality is bad
There is an option on Tinder to connect your Spotify, why wouldn’t you pick a good one?
16) Motivational quotes
I don’t need your basic wisdom
…
There would be much more, people being (right-left)-wing radicals, having stupid opinions (e.g.) anti-abortion). It was just a very random summary, I might eventually get back to it.
I tried to mention thing you have an influence on, there would be plenty of stuff regarding the appearance I dislike but I don’t want to be unnecessarily mean (or the ridiculous – no shorts, fats, no fems, no Asians lol).
Please tell me how bitter I am and what a special snowflake I am. If you got cancer from reading these, please watch some 60fps videos.
I already started to write 7 articles but was unable to finish any of them.
I’m Czech and I like music, therefore I would like to list my favorite ones, some of them with very strong stories.
Usually I care most about powerful voices and how emotional the songs are.
With no longer introduction, these are my most favorite singers with unique voices or songs.
1. Marta Kubišová
source: Supraphon Music/Otto Dlabola
I fell in love with this singer recently, especially because of her extraordinary story and voice.
She was the most popular and successful singer in the late sixties in Czechoslovakia. She was winning the most prominent awards, had tours abroad and was also a sex-symbol in that years.
She became a symbol of national resistance against the occupation of Czechoslovakia, when Soviet troops came to the country, the process of democratization stopped and hard communist regime was restored.
As a symbol of resistance, she was banned from performing until 1989. For 19 ears she couldn’t sing publicly, she worked for the resistance and had to work in a factory.
I recommend almost everything from her. Her song Depeše is sexy and she reaches very high notes. Modlitba pro Martu was the anthem of Prague Spring. Magdaléna has very strong lyrics.
My favorite one would be the song Mamá (mother). There are so many more songs showing her voice range but I thought this one it’s the most emotional one, together with that one-shot video and her sexy appearance.
I had to put Lucie Bílá on the second place in this ranking, mostly because of her voice.
She has an incredible voice range and I adore especially her chest voice. She started as a rock/metal singer but unfortunately she switched to pop.
In my honest opinion she should have definitely stuck to metal and she could totally be Czech’s Tarja and together with Arakain band they could be well-known internationally as her voice does have a world’s quality.
I’m in love with her metal performance. The songs are already 30 years old but they rock.
Since the nineties she is the most popular female singer in Czechia, you can find plenty of her videos. It’s shame she has only very few songs in English (her English sucks).
My favorite pop performance is Jsi můj pán from the very best Czech musical Drákula. Or Requiem from Requiem pro panenku movie, imho one of the most difficult songs ever.
As my all favorite performance, I would choose the live version of Zimní královna (Queen of Winter) from a metal festival.
Aneta Langerová is a young contemporary singer. She was discovered in the Czech version of SuperStar.
I like her due to her unique strong voice and the fact she doesn’t do generic pop music and keeps her own style.
She’s also openly lesbian which isn’t common in this still quite conservative country.
One of her first songs Hříšná Těla, Křídla Motýlí shows her beautiful strong voice. I personally adore her album Na Radosti, where she sings about nature in ethnic-folky vibe. A nice example would be the song Tráva.
And, of course, she become a friend with Marta Kubišová. I guess good signers recognize each other.
But actually I like her the most for that one song called Vzpomínka (Memory). She implicitly sings about her deceased mother. I saw this emotional performance probably 200 times. There is something magical about the eye and her playing the guitar.
I had to mention this singer because of only one song.
I mean, she sang for a long time but and she does have some nice songs, for example Píseň svou mi tenkrát hrál. But her biggest success and an extraordinary beautiful song is Jednoho dne se vrátíš (One Day You Will Come Back). It’s an adaptation of one of the songs from Ennio Morricone from the movie Once Upon a Time in the West.
Despite the fact she never attended any music classes, she can reach incredibly high notes. Together with the video, I would say just enjoy.
This might be a surprising choice from me but I think Radůza has a very extraordinary strong voice and she doesn’t do mainstream music as she plays folk and chanson music.
One of my favorite songs is her duet Babylónská věž (en: Tower of Babel) with Aneta Langerová, which already made into the list.
One of her most known and for me the best would be Jednou to pomine (en: Once It Will Be Over).
She is a singer you will probably hear of in the future. I didn’t want to put her on the first place because I think her career will grow in the next years rapidly. As for being famous, I would place her definitely on the rank 1 (from this list).
Gabriela has one of the best rock voices I ever heart. I’m a fan of classical rock and that’s the music she sings.
She was first discovered in the Czech SuperStar. Apparently she ended on a second place (which is a shame in my opinion). However, every song she sang during the competition got hundreds thousands – millions of views. There is an example of her Cose Della Vita cover.
She later become touring vocalist of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra and also represented Czechia in Eurovision (with a very bad song choice for her voice).
She attended Ken Tamplin Voice Academy, where she sang a lot of classical rock covers. I personally listened to every one of them just too many times. Let’s look at an example of her Welcome To The Jungle version. Her voice improved a lot. You can also watch her cover from Nazareth – Love Hurts. She was only 17 at that time which makes it even more unbelievable.
I don’t know which of her songs is the best. I will pick the Man In The Box from Alice in Chains cover.
Okay guys, I did my TOP 6 list.
But there is so much more. It was my list of singers with the (IMHO) most unique voices. It’s not a popularity contest, that would end up much differently. I didn’t mention one of the most popular singers as Helena Vondráčková, Hana Zagorová, Ewa Farna, Lucie Vondráčková or Tereza Kerndlová. But for me they aren’t as good singers or they sing music I don’t like.
For the end I would just randomly pick some songs I really enjoy from random female singers.
Ewa Farna – Hej Gorále
I usually don’t like music of this Polish-Czech singer, but this folk cover is awesome. I prefer even more her song Laweczka but it’s Polish so I picked the Czech one.
Helena Vondráčková – Lásko má, já stůňu
She used to be one of the most popular singers but I personally don’t like her. But this one song is really classy. Another work of the best czech composer Karel Svoboda.
Marie Rottrová – Lásko voníš deštěm
Marie Rottrová has actually several good songs. The one I like the most is a cover of Black Sabbath’s She’s Gone. According random YouTube comments, she sang it better. 🙂
Jana Kratochvílová – Dlouhá bílá žhnoucí kometa
I wish this song wouldn’t have been produced in socialist era. It would so much deserve proper rock instruments.
Zuzana Navarová – Marie
Czech folk singer who stays her own.
Markéta Irglová – Let Me Fall in Love
She might deserve a better spot in my rankings because she sings in English and she’s internationally well-known. She even got an Oscar for music for the Once movie.
She’s a nice lady with nice sentimental music.
Monika Načeva – Udžuj svou ledničku plnou
I know only this song from Monika but I love it.
Věra Martinová – Ó pane náš
Another singer with one hit only. But a good one.
Anna K. – Píseň o slzách
Anna K. doesn’t have the best voice but she has nice songs. My favorite one is her duet with Aneta Langerová. Aneta is clearly better, but it’s her song.
Iveta Bartošová – Léto
She’s kinda my guilty pleasure as she’s really a pop-star. But I like this one song. She used to be very popular but her fame ruined her and she committed a suicide.
Iva Bittová – Zabili
According to Wikipedia, she’s quite famous. She’s avant-garde violinist, singer, and composer. This is my favorite one of her creation.
Marcela Holanová – Ráno (cover of Strano)
Another one hit (but amazing) hit.
Petra Janů – Už nejsem volná
I just like this cover of The Power of Love in Czech, that’s all. And Petra Janů used to be very popular.
If you like this list, you can continue e.g. with Eva Pilarová, Yvonne Přenosilová, Monika Absolonová or Věra Bílá.
I haven’t covered opera singers, where I would mention Ema Destinová, Milada Šubrtová or Eva Urbanová
If I should talk about contemporary popular ones, I should probably mention Lenny, Debbi, Monika Bagárová, Marta Jandová or Markéta Konvičková but I don’t really know their work.
I didn’t make any New Year’s resolutions as I think it’s a bit lame and human made measurement of time called years had no significant impact on my perception of time.
But while drunk on New Years Eve I felt kinda happy (because of the drunkenness) and I was drinking on “good year 2018” and on “2018 is gonna be our year” many times, especially with my brother.
Surprise surprise, 11 days haven passed an everything seems to be the same shit.
I made for myself a lot of resolutions, I do it every other few weeks or a month. I wanted to get rid of social anxiety by becoming more social (which is the only cure), meet people and do some fun.
Well I don’t see any progress but yes, it’s a long distance run.
So I thought I could at least finish some points of my TO DO list. I have so many points there as to visit doctors, answer emails, buy a light bulb, wash my clothes or wash the dishes regularly and not first when they start to stink.
Whatever, writing lists and doing resolutions doesn’t work.
I had really depressed few days lately. I’m sitting at home, not going to the university and waiting till I get broke. Then I will finally have to do some stuff, at least to take care of my finances.
And in 3 weeks I have a last attempt in my exam. If I fail, I will get kicked out of the university. Haven’t attended the class so far this semester.
I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid I can’t help myself, need to define even easier goals, stop spending all my time on the internet and just DO stuff.
I’m wondering if this state will have an impact on my future. I already felt like drinking a lot since I was 14 and not doing anything made me much more stupid compared to others. I used to be a very clever and talented kid, now I feel really mediocre without any motivation.
What helped me a bit was a meme which said that laziness is just a lack of motivation. I’m not lazy, I’m demotivated.
At least that term helped. It’s like when I’m saying I’m failing my classes because I’m mentally ill, not because I’m lazy.
But again, it’s just a matter of perspective, it doesn’t change the reality, only makes myself feel a little bit better. Punishing myself was the worst approach which I apparently used a lot.
So, as a conclusion, there has to be some WORK done.
I need to start to search for a job and learn for the exam. Otherwise I’d have to start all over again.
In the last therapy session and older lady cried how unhappy she is and that it’s been so many years. I would rather die than suffer the whole life and have a mental breakdown at my 60s.
Will try to write something positive of interesting next time, not a complaint again.
Today it’s just a short brainstorming. I have no exact topic in my head. Still recovering from the jealousness attack from yesterday.
By the way, it’s my 10th day in a row when I was drinking. Not a lot every day but still, I feel unhealthy and I definitely drink too much.
There are just too many thoughts running through my head. I would love to get rid of my internet addiction. I don’t remember when was the last time I went to sleep as a regular person. I just can’t turn off the internet and go to sleep, therefore staying awake always till 3 am.
I am wondering what could be the reasons. I guess one of them are my nightmares. Usually when I sleep, I have very bad dreams and when I wake up, I have a bad feeling. Usually it’s just things I haven’t done form my to-do list or just worst-case scenarios which do happen. Sexuality, university, no friends and failing. Everything is connected with my bad mood.
And right now, I’m doing the same. Had 5 beers, I’m sleepy and I’m still procrastinating. I don’t even know what is so difficult about turning the notebook off. But it’s everyday the same. On last Facebook check, on last game, one last check of all dating websites (and then not answering as it’s too late).
And this article makes no sense, it’s just random complaining. I should rather quit and go to sleep. Howgh.
I guess, my low self-confidence makes it much harder.
I had a a few month-lasting (dating) relationship with two guys. There were few problems but let’s state the biggest one – I liked one of the guys much more then the second one. Therefore, it couldn’t last for a long time.
After about 3 months I decided to break up as there was no way I would like to continue in this 3-persons-relationship. I just didn’t want to be in a relationship with the second guy. And I think polygamy in general isn’t really for me.
BUT. I really liked the one guy. But I thought it would be the right decision to break up. And that I would meet other people.
It didn’t turned out as I wished/expected.
The two guys I was in a relationship with (and they had a relationship together before) decided to have an open relationship. It worked out as following: I was meeting with the guy I liked often and I really enjoyed it). I met both of them, it was my comfort zone, but I enjoyed much more to meet with the one. And I really liked him (it wasn’t love but I guess English has no expression between like and love). Whatever. It took about other two months till the last week.
I made a lot of thinking and came to the conclusion I couldn’t continue like this and that I would either like to have a relationship with that one guy or to search for something new. I could’t have a relationship with that guy so I tried to date someone new (my first two tries weren’t successful).
And today, he told me about his date and I got extremely jealous. He told me he came 3 times! (!!!)
And I’m jealous. I feel I shouldn’t have left him. I am really emotional.
As I told him last week I didn’t want anything sexual to happen between us, it was one of the hardest things I’ve done in my life. I just really wanted to kiss him, hold him and to cuddle. But for the future, there wouldn’t be a way and I felt stuck, not doing anything.
Today he told me about his date and I felt so freaking jealous. Was it a right decision to leave it be? How will I ever find he one I will be happy with?
It’s so hard.
Sometimes I have the feeling to give up and commit a suicide. As there were just no good times in the last years. But then again I feel like it’s just a phase and someone is awaiting me out there.
But again, I have to mention, why is it that hard?! I just hate it that nothing works out as I like. And I’m lonely and feel incompatible with anyone. And I’m wasting my time. And it’s just so frustrating.
When I finally found somebody who likes me and wants to be with me, he has to be involved in a relationship with another guy? Really? F*ck me.
Just a regular sadness-overload.
I wish it to end soon. (without mentioning the way)
as expected, I wasn’t able to post regularly but here we go!
Btw, I don’t know in which word I should write capital letters in English and I’m too lazy to look it up. (I actually did but forgot).
It’s pretty late so I’m going to be short.
Even though it’s only 23, I feel there was just too much of a wasted time.
You know, it’s like when you watch these videos when old people are giving you advises for your life. It’s mostly about “Do what you want to do, don’t care about the others”. And that’s exactly what I don’t do.
I feel like I’m suffocating due to the others, I feel myself under pressure for so many reasons. If the loneliness, missing friendships and relationships or my struggle with the university.
Yesterday I was celebrating Christmas with my family in Pilsen and I didn’t have a good time. First of all, my mother was annoying and I had nothing to talk about with my grandparents. I was blessed that my brother was around.
And I hated the fact I had to lie about how I was fine with the university. And that I was happy. Meh.
Not even at home I can be myself.
I really hope that my unhappiness is just a phase which I will overcome eventually. Otherwise I just don’t want to continue.
Plan for the next year: Having a birthday party. No matter if they aren’t going to be any friends or just two. Let’s appreciate these two and let them get to know you and the fact you don’t have many friends.
today i decided to try a different approach. I am going to write about a situation which just happened (10 minutes ago).
I’m gay and I’m living in Berlin where there is very big gay society a hook-up oriented environment.
I’m not much a hook-up person, probably mostly caused because of my social anxiety in general. And also the fear of STDs.
Since I broke up with my boyfriends (the story will come later maybe), I had only two dates with a different persons, about a month ago. And let’s say, everything was fine (sexually), I didn’t have any troubles. But I was also drunk both of the times, which of course also has a good impact on the anxiety. (also on a sexual performance, but I guess the effect of being more relaxed exceeds the effect of worse sexual performance while being drunk).
What happened today was a clear sexual performance anxiety. Basically, I just couldn’t get a boner. The frustration about this situation is due to the fact the guy was extremely handsome and my type. I mean, it makes completely sense, that when meeting somebody really hot, you get more nervous.
Not getting a boner actually already happened to me before, however I thought I was over that. Once when I was in a gay sauna, ending in a room with two of the hottest guys from the sauna, I also couldn’t get one. Which is annoying. A lot.
So, the anxiety does its thing. The other field when I’m insecure is my sexual preference.
It happened to me several times that I lost my boner when it came to anal sex. I am quite inexperienced in sex (who would have guessed). And I don’t know really what I enjoy and what pleases me.
When I watch porn, I usually don’t really like the anal part. What actually even disgusts me a bit is rimming (licking one’s asshole) or fisting (inserting a hand into asshole).
When it comes to gay sex, you are usually either top or bottom. And people often seems to have preferences. Or they like both and they are versatile.
I don’t know what I am (top, bottom, vers) but I get asked every time. Often even before I should meet somebody. And on gay dating sites, people usually state this information in their profiles.
So, not knowing that is a big problem. I tried to be bottom twice and I enjoyed it. It hurts a bit but I should overcome this with experience. I also enjoyed being top (about 10 – 15 times). But few times I couldn’t get a boner.
There are few reasons why I don’t like anal sex much:
– I don’t like the look of an asshole. It’s just ugly and the shit comes from it.
– I am unsure about my preference, even the question what am I makes me nervous.
– In porn, it’s the most repetitive and therefore boring part. There is the least emotions shown and I often skip that part.
– I have a very big penis and everyone who sees it has a big expectations (maybe exaggerating but never seen bigger and getting a lot of comments) which gives an extra pressure on me
– You have to wear condom, which makes you less sensitive, therefore I get more nervous about not being able to have a boner
– As growing in a conservative environment I always tried to be as manly as I could for being able to pretend heterosexuality. Being top is considered as more “manly”, therefore I might “force” myself into that position. As I look manly, potential partner also expects me to be the top and I again get more pressure
I would come up with more but these are the main reasons.
*
Back to the story what happened tonight and why it was embarrassing. I haven’t expected him to have sex with me. He was just really good looking and I thought I wasn’t his level. Well it happened that we ended up in the bed. He asked me “what am I“. I told him I enjoy both. We cuddled and then we should come to the “thing”. However, I didn’t get a boner. We tried to cuddle and touch, however, I couldn’t help it. Once the anxiety starts, it won’t disappear, actually it gets even worse.
(I might using wrong the terms nervousness and anxiety, have to educate myself later).
So I apologized, asked for a tea, we watched on episode of the Dark series. I told him I sometimes get nervous and need to get relaxed and then I don’t really have an explanation. (you don’t really tell people about your mental issues when you meet them for the first time).
I apologized again and left as I felt embarrassed and didn’t want to risk failing again. But what he told me was “I should know what do I want.” Wasn’t he right? Without even knowing what I like and expect, the anxiety will probably just get worse.
Well, leaving the evening for now.
I will try to make a conclusion for me.
– I have to be more honest to myself.
– I should talk the stuff out with somebody.
– Before I go to a date, I should better prepare and expect what could possibly happen
– Try to relax before.
Well, these aren’t very concrete steps. Maybe it would even make me think more and make me more nervous.
I did a research how to overcome sexual performance anxiety. Let’s state some tips how to overcome the anxiety from the following site.
First, I should see a doctor if I’m in a good healthy condition. I am pretty sure I am.
Then there are following tips:
Talk to the therapist
Be open with your partner
Get intimate in other ways
Distract yourself
Well, talking to the therapist is a challenge. I have a group therapy so talking about my sex life with strangers is not that nice. But I can try and hopefully eventually get to it. I have a confident friend which I will talk about it tomorrow.
Talking about that stuff with my partner also helps, when I was really honest with my exes, I actually felt comfortable.
Getting intimate in other ways or distracting myself probably won’t work for hookups but yes, when I should get a partner, hopefully it’s going to help.
Concrete goals for myself:
Talk about it with someone
Before going to a hookup, drink something or smoke some weed
Try being bottom and don’t always pursue being top
Talk about it in the therapy (long-term)
Prepare an answer for being questioned, it will happen every time and don’t be surprised
I guess that’s enough. Actually I wanted to write something short. But I write something long again, meh. Probably I just don’t have anyone to talk about it, therefore I write so long.
Anyway, some funny stuff for the end – me while dating:
I have decided that maybe I will make this blog about stuff that happened to me/bothers me, then generalize it a bit so other people may relate to my random thought. (?)
Let’s try it.
Yesterday I attended a group therapy. I’ve been visiting the group therapy once a week for about 2 months. Usually I’m only a listener as I’m pretty shy to share personal and intimate stuff to people I don’t know. But as there was a new guy, during the last meeting, I got asked a lot of questions. And I tried to genuinely answer all of them.
However, I still did have struggles. There is a big difference when you think of an answer and when you have to articulate it. (especially in German)
So that would be my tip – if you are alone at home, try to speak up your mind (especially when you’re sitting at home for days, it’s nice to hear your own voice) or write things down (you choose your word more wisely – that’s what I’m trying to do now).
I got the questions as “What bothers you?” – and yeah, I do have few answers as e.g. almost no friends, social anxiety, failing my university, depressive feelings, struggling with languages, low self-confidence, not-knowing-what-to-talk-about, not-being open to people and new stuff, bad relationship with my parents, struggles in sex, not having a boyfriend etc…
As you see, I can come up with a list of things very easily.
But, when the next question comes “What are the concrete steps you want to follow to get rid of the problems?”, then, I immediately start to have issues. Therefore, I think, it’s one of the mains reasons why I can’t deal with my problems. It’s because I haven’t set my concrete realistic goals.
I set a goal every week and even for the whole weekend – “Do your homework.” I fail. Next week. Repeat. Fail again.
So without setting these concrete (and realistic!) goals, I guess, I can’t move forward. I’m now too lazy to think of them but I promise, I will get to it eventually. Otherwise, I am convicted to fail in my “healing from unhappiness”.
Actually, at the beginning I wanted to write a post about changing the city and how it may affect my life.
I will try to sum it up briefly as the answer is no. And my experience just confirms it.
I grew up in the city of Pilsen in Czechia. When I started to be dissatisfied with my life in my puberty, I decided to make an exchange year in Germany. I got to the village of Fischbeck in a rural area.
I spent almost a year with village people and left oriented Marxist family. I really hated it there, because of the struggles with the language and the people which were intellectually on much lower level than in Pilsen. And I had not come out of my shell at all, got ever more closed up to everyone as I didn’t have nobody to talk to. That change didn’t help me at all.
After finishing my grammar school in Pilsen, I was already very unhappy with my life. I tried to shake things up again and move for 3 months to an island of Sylt, the northernmost and prominent island in Germany. I worked there a lot and wanted to make a decision what to do with my life. There you can see an example how you can waste your time when you ask such a vague question as “what to do with your life“. Doesn’t work. But the good part at the end of my stay was that I decided not to live a secret gay life and to come out eventually. That was a big step for my mind as before I was determined to keep it in secret so I wouldn’t disappoint my friends and family. But again, moving didn’t solve anything.
After my Sylt experience, I moved to Prague to study architecture. And again, I was unhappy and kind of gave up on changes and just “floated” through my everyday life. And after one semester I failed come courses eventually and again, only had a feeling to escape my reality and problems. I didn’t want to ask questions and to deal with them, I just wanted somewhere else.
So I moved to Berlin (no idea, why I keep link the places, if you don’t know Berlin, get out of my blog and get yourself educated) and had some money from Sylt, no responsibilities and could potentially do whatever I wanted. But without asking the right questions and not doing anything, I got depressed. Actually the things just got a lot of worse as I didn’t have to make any social contacts and could quite stay in my “comfort zone”, which actually wasn’t comfortable at all. I drank alcohol and worked, started to study something I had no information about and didn’t even have the answers on “what bothers you” as I want’ questioning myself.
No wonder I got when am I now. It has been 3 years and I’m in probably the worst state. But I managed to do 2 steps in the past months. I started to go to a therapy and I came out to my parents. That’s a beginning, setting other goals is what should be my next step.
*
Back to the start, when I was on the therapy yesterday, I asked the group that I’m thinking about changing the place where I live again. They all started to mock the idea immediately as they are more experienced than me. And while asking other questions as “How is Berlin responsible for your problems?”, I didn’t have any solid answer.
Therefore, first you have to be honest to yourself and at least realize your problems and come up with a solution before blaming the city and start to change things like the environment without changing yourself.
It’s of course not that easy, there are many factors bothering me in Berlin particularly. There is of course the option when changing the place and getting know the right people, you can change yourself easily and the result would be much better. Or generally speaking, going to happy sunny places might help as it indeed has a positive effect on your mind.
But. There is no reason why I should be unhappy in Berlin as the conditions here and my genetic predispositions are just fine.
And setting goals is a hard work, especially when you are depressed. Hashtag motivation. I guess I have to come back to that topic again.
Finally, I don’t want to make any conclusion and I don’t know it his post even has a point.
I do it for myself. And when I again will have the feeling to escape, I can just return to this post. Escaping doesn’t solve your problems, determination and confrontation do.
source: Supraphon Music/Otto Dlabola
Sad Koala and its confessions 