Current State of My Studies + Semester Goals

Hey hello!

I started to write this article on 06/02/2018.

This is the original version:

— START —

Hello folks!

I started to write three articles already but wasn’t able to finish then.

Little update about my life:

Another semester ended and I can summarize it.
I started with 5 classes and finished two of them. And I will do a resit of my databases class which I have the last attempt.

I can only regret how lazy I was, not going to my databases class the whole semester as if I fail my resit at the end of March, I get kicked out of university. So there is no logic behind not attending the class and still, here I am, the lazy wanker I am.

(isn’t laziness just an old school word for lack of motivation? – likely not, however I still don’t know if I’m lazy or depressed)

I guess I should stop accusing myself of laziness all the time, it just spills more oil into the fire. Because of my existential and suicidal thoughts sometimes, I won’t blame the laziness (like my parent always tell me).

I have now 1,5 months for some decision making. There is this condition what whatever I do, I have to study for the exam at the end of March. I really really hope I will be able to.

There are few scenarios for my future weeks/months/life:

1) Ideal one – IT internship and continuing with my studies

Let me try this one.

— END —

It’s really funny to read it for me now.
Basically, I was lucky so far and made the “1) ideal one. “

I was really lucky, for the databases exam I mentioned above I was studying 2 days only for my last attempt.

This semester is a new start, it’s been 3 weeks already and I haven’t done anything. And I’m currently not working.

I really really hope I won’t repeat my mistakes from the last semester.

Let’s make goals:

1) No porn from today (20/10/2018)

2) Attend all lectures

3) At least start all the exercises

4) Computergraphik: I NEED to finish it and rally study it all the time

5) Learn Git properly

6) Finish the project + at least one class (preferably Game Engines)

7) Make a decision regarding my relationship status (n article will come later)

__________________

What are the possible outcomes of the semester?

1) I will repeat my last semester 

I will feel shit and procrastinate a lot, resulting in finishing only one class, getting depressed, but not quitting the university

2) I will fail Computergraphik

Which would inevitably mean my studies would be over.
I would have to rethink my life goals from scratch.

3) I will finish all the classes I am taking

Time-wise totally realistic, if I would only not procrastinate and would do my assignments. I don’t think it would work.

__________________

I know, nothing interesting.

Maybe I will make another article in a year and it would be nice to look what my goals were.

I had a weekend for my assignments, didn’t do anything, I feel like shit, drinking wine. Sounds totally as my last semester. Meh. So far 1) has the highest probability, meh.

I just want to make this little point about mindsets:

43548774_10156720762848630_1403688087921360896_o (1).jpg

Of course it’s bad my mindset is totally fixed, I just don’t know how to change it.

You can read more for example here.

Cheers, Pavel

Advertisements

Update On My Life (October 2018)

Hello there! I haven’t written an article for an eternity.

I know nobody reads it, I’m writing this only for myself.

My last update was form 11/01/2018 where I was writing about my resolution for the upcoming year.

Now I would like to write a brief summary about my 2018. Actually didn’t want to do it but I started writing another article about gay dating apps and in the introduction I started to write a summary about my year and realized an additional article would be better if I would ever read my blog again.

Anyway, I am definitely doing much better than the previous year.

I had a resolution to get rid of social anxiety and to become more social which kinda happened. I was definitely MUCH social than the previous year. I found a healthy friends circle (counting 2 friends, but yeah, I have finally someone who is there for me).
To be honest, I underrated the importance of friendships. Because of my best friend in Berlin, the life has become much more bearable.

I made a 7 drafts for my new articles early in the year but was unable to finish any of them. These are the titles:

What Am I Doing With My Life, Should I Quit Studying?

Do I Have Depression? ‘

Internet (Screen) Addiction

Jealousy

What Makes Me Swipe Left on Tinder

Music I Like

Has Alcohol Permanently Damaged My Brain?

Basically I don’t think I need to finish them as I think I can bring some answers to them immediately, based on my thoughts or research.

What Am I Doing With My Life, Should I Quit Studying?

I hate my studies but I shouldn’t quit, it only one more year. I should dig deep and learn how to study and focus, otherwise I would hate other studies as well. “What am I doing with my life” is a bad question, is basically just a description, no need to be philosophical about that.

Do I Have Depression? ‘

Not anymore and if, than only a light one. 

Interner (Screen) Addiction

I definitely have one, working on it. (deleting instagram, limiting 9gag, wanting to leave Facebook eventually)

Jealousy

I’m extremely jealous and it’s a problem. No big steps made, getting more happy mentally helps. 

What Makes Me Swipe Left on Tinder

I actually will make an article about it.

Music I Like

Again, want to write this article indeed.

Has Alcohol Permanently Damaged My Brain?

Yes it definitely destroyed some of my brains cells and caused my depression.
BUT: It doesn’t matter, I don’t need any any certain amount of brains cell (wtf) to be fine.
I can stop drinking alcohol and normalize my brain chemistry. Probably I can even grow some new cells in the brain by exercising and eating healthy. 

 

Because I don’t want to stuck in my past and spend the whole afternoon writing a long summary what I have done and becoming depressive about it, I will write it in a list of positive and negative things.

Positive stuff I did / happened (random order): 

  • I still wasn’t kicked out of the university, studied for my math exam one day and surprisingly passed
  • I see a light at the end of the tunnel regarding my studies which had a huge positive impact
  • I was going to a gym a lot, therefore got a nice body
  • Went out with a friend from the university for the first time
  • Organized a party in the apartment for the first time since early teenage years and even got some people arriving (most of the my previous dates lol)
  • Finished an internship (half year, programming), it was hell but I managed to finish it)
  • I am still having one really good friend I enjoy spending time with and some other friends as well, had a lot of sex with one
  • My German and English skills got better
  • I’m not that much sad any more
  • I enjoy going to my therapy, feeling better than most of the people there
  • managing 1,5 months without alcohol

Negative stuff I did / happened (random order): 

  • My relationship with my parents is still bad (none)
  • Still hating the university and studies, no certain visions and goals for the future
  • Social anxiety is still a big issue
  • Still abusing social media, porn sites, alcohol and other depression stimulants
  • No relationship
  • Condom anxiety
  • No care about health issues, fungi, bad glasses, HPV
  • Hair loss (and doing nothing about it)

 

It is enough for now, I got bored and wrote already two articles today.

 

What Makes Me Swipe Left On Tinder (/Dating Apps in General)

Hello people of the world!

I think I am going to write a first article without commenting on happenings in my personal life. I decided to write a list of stuff which I hate on dating apps. I started writing about Tinder but it turned out to be (gay) dating apps in general. (Tinder, PlanetRomeo, Grindr).

I feel unmatchable when it comes to online dating. The majority of guys in Berlin unfortunately meet the criteria of the categories listed below.

Disclaimer: It’s just my personal taste. The order is quite random. I took the screenshots during few evenings last year.

1) No clear face picture

  • the obvious one

2) No bio

  • of course, I can ask, but it annoys me to waste my time when I already don’t like 95% of people
  • you spend on the apps usually many hours but you are too lazy to enhance your chances by making a 10 minute effort to write 200 characters?

3) Bio not in English

  • if you don’t speak basic English, you are probably stupid or too troubled
  • what I accept is writing it in your local language as you probably target only people speaking it (confidence, convenience, blabla)
  • anyway, not speaking English is a turn-off (I don’t speak English very well but a decent one is a must)

4) All pictures with a cap or a hat

  • we get it, you are bald, stop deceiving me (I don’t have a problem with you being bold but please admit it)

5) Mentioning astrological sign
Bildergebnis für horoscope meme

  • ugh
  • (MBTI is okay but still unnecessary) sign

 

6) Religion

  •  stop believing in fairy-tales

7) Stupid filters

  • you are covering your face and you use generic not funny stuff so you looke like all the other stupid people, congratulations

bear filter.png

8) Travelers

  • this might be controversial but as a person who’s not looking for hookups, it’s important that I could possibly maintain the (personal) contact

8) Making exaggerated face expressions

  • you should try to show yourself in a good natural way, why would you try to look ugly?

face

9) Description made out of Emojis

  • I am a big fan of coherent texts; informational value of emojis is really low, usually it expresses that you like coffee and see, congratulations to you for being a human

emojis

10) List of Nos

  • I want to find a reason why to date you, not why you don’t want to date me or the others
  • (I am also making a list of nos in this article, however this is not a profile description)

11) Coffee, Sports, Music, Travelling

  • I like these things too, we have so many similarities! (congratulations for being a human)

interests

12) Piercings and Earrings

  • It’s just my personal taste, it’s a big turn-off, especially nose rings

FB_IMG_1512042143167

 

(sorry for German picture but I can’t agree more)

13) Unprotected Sex

  • There is nothing more to discus, if you meet with strangers, always use a protection

14) Stupid generic tattoos

  • “I have the birth dates of my parents in Roman alphabet tattooed, I’m so special and it shows how much I love my family.”
  • “I saw people with star tattoos in porn, it will make me look hot”
  • Maybe I am a special snowflake but if you get a tattoo, it better be good looking or original

tattoo

15) Bad musical taste

  • If you think Katy Perry is talented or Beyoncé is the best singer in the planet, your taste sucks
  • I don’t mind if you like the music but please admit the quality is bad
  • There is an option on Tinder to connect your Spotify, why wouldn’t you pick a good one?
    techno
    bad music taste

16) Motivational quotes

  • I don’t need your basic wisdom

chewbacca

 

There would be much more, people being (right-left)-wing radicals, having stupid opinions (e.g.) anti-abortion). It was just a very random summary, I might eventually get back to it.
I tried to mention thing you have an influence on, there would be plenty of stuff regarding the appearance I dislike but I don’t want to be unnecessarily mean (or the ridiculous –  no shorts, fats, no fems, no Asians lol).

Please tell me how bitter I am and what a special snowflake I am. If you got cancer from reading these, please watch some 60fps videos.

There is one WTF bonus:

Cheers, Pavel

 

Best Czech Popular Female Singers

Hello!

I already started to write 7 articles but was unable to finish any of them.

I’m Czech and I like music, therefore I would like to list my favorite ones, some of them with very strong stories.
Usually I care most about powerful voices and how emotional the songs are.

With no longer introduction, these are my most favorite singers with unique voices or songs.

1. Marta Kubišová 

Capture.PNGsource: Supraphon Music/Otto Dlabola

I fell in love with this singer recently, especially because of her extraordinary story and voice.

She was the most popular and successful singer in the late sixties in Czechoslovakia. She was winning the most prominent awards, had tours abroad and was also a sex-symbol in that years.
She became a symbol of national resistance against the occupation of Czechoslovakia, when Soviet troops came to the country, the process of democratization stopped and hard communist regime was restored.
As a symbol of resistance, she was banned from performing until 1989. For 19 ears she couldn’t sing publicly, she worked for the resistance and had to work in a factory.

I recommend almost everything from her. Her song Depeše is sexy and she reaches very high notes. Modlitba pro Martu was the anthem of Prague Spring. Magdaléna has very strong lyrics.

My favorite one would be the song Mamá (mother). There are so many more songs showing her voice range but I thought this one it’s the most emotional one, together with that one-shot video and her sexy appearance.

 

2. Lucie Bílá

bilas
source: Screenshot from music video Hana

I had to put Lucie Bílá on the second place in this ranking, mostly because of her voice.
She has an incredible voice range and I adore especially her chest voice. She started as a rock/metal singer but unfortunately she switched to pop.
In my honest opinion she should have definitely stuck to metal and she could totally be Czech’s Tarja and together with Arakain band they could be well-known internationally as her voice does have a world’s quality.
I’m in love with her metal performance. The songs are already 30 years old but they rock.

Since the nineties she is the most popular female singer in Czechia, you can find plenty of her videos. It’s shame she has only very few songs in English (her English sucks).

My favorite pop performance is Jsi můj pán from the very best Czech musical Drákula.  Or Requiem from Requiem pro panenku movie, imho one of the most difficult songs ever.

As my all favorite performance, I would choose the live version of Zimní královna (Queen of Winter) from a metal festival.

 

3. Aneta Langerová

langerova
source, photo: Olga Špátová

Aneta Langerová is a young contemporary singer. She was discovered in the Czech version of SuperStar.
I like her due to her unique strong voice and the fact she doesn’t do generic pop music and keeps her own style.
She’s also openly lesbian which isn’t common in this still quite conservative country.
One of her first songs Hříšná Těla, Křídla Motýlí shows her beautiful strong voice. I personally adore her album Na Radosti, where she sings about nature in ethnic-folky vibe. A nice example would be the song Tráva.
And, of course, she become a friend with Marta Kubišová. I guess good signers recognize each other.

But actually I like her the most for that one song called Vzpomínka (Memory). She implicitly sings about her deceased mother. I saw this emotional performance probably 200 times. There is something magical about the eye and her playing the guitar.

4. Věra Špinarová

spinarova
source: https://semilasso.cz/akce/detail/vera-spinarova-a-band-adama-pavlika

I had to mention this singer because of only one song.
I mean, she sang for a long time but and she does have some nice songs, for example Píseň svou mi tenkrát hrál. But her biggest success and an extraordinary beautiful song is Jednoho dne se vrátíš (One Day You Will Come Back). It’s an adaptation of one of the songs from Ennio Morricone from the movie Once Upon a Time in the West.
Despite the fact she never attended any music classes, she can reach incredibly high notes. Together with the video, I would say just enjoy.

5. Radůza

 raduza
source: http://www.ipardubice.cz/900_181504_raduza/

This might be a surprising choice from me but I think Radůza has a very extraordinary strong voice and she doesn’t do mainstream music as she plays folk and chanson music.

One of my favorite songs is her duet  Babylónská věž (en: Tower of Babel) with Aneta Langerová, which already made into the list.

One of her most known and for me the best would be Jednou to pomine (en: Once It Will Be Over).


6. Gabriela Gunčíková

guncikova
source: https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/290200769708674717/

She is a singer you will probably hear of in the future. I didn’t want to put her on the first place because I think her career will grow in the next years rapidly. As for being famous, I would place her definitely on the rank 1 (from this list).
Gabriela has one of the best rock voices I ever heart. I’m a fan of classical rock and that’s the music she sings.
She was first discovered in the Czech SuperStar. Apparently she ended on a second place (which is a shame in my opinion). However, every song she sang during the competition got hundreds thousands – millions of views. There is an example of her Cose Della Vita cover.
She later become touring vocalist of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra and also represented Czechia in Eurovision (with a very bad song choice for her voice).

She attended Ken Tamplin Voice Academy, where she sang a lot of classical rock covers. I personally listened to every one of them just too many times. Let’s look at an example of her Welcome To The Jungle version. Her voice improved a lot. You can also watch her cover from Nazareth – Love Hurts. She was only 17 at that time which makes it even more unbelievable.

I don’t know which of her songs is the best. I will pick the Man In The Box from Alice in Chains cover.

 


 

Okay guys, I did my TOP 6 list.

But there is so much more. It was my list of singers with the (IMHO) most unique voices. It’s not a popularity contest, that would end up much differently. I didn’t mention one of the most popular singers as Helena Vondráčková, Hana Zagorová, Ewa Farna, Lucie Vondráčková or Tereza Kerndlová. But for me they aren’t as good singers or they sing music I don’t like.

For the end I would just randomly pick some songs I really enjoy from random female singers.

Ewa Farna – Hej Gorále

I usually don’t like music of this Polish-Czech singer, but this folk cover is awesome. I prefer even more her song Laweczka but it’s Polish so I picked the Czech one.

Helena Vondráčková – Lásko má, já stůňu

She used to be one of the most popular singers but I personally don’t like her. But this one song is really classy. Another work of the best czech composer Karel Svoboda.

Marie Rottrová – Lásko voníš deštěm

Marie Rottrová has actually several good songs. The one I like the most is a cover of Black Sabbath’s She’s Gone. According random YouTube comments, she sang it better. 🙂

Jana Kratochvílová – Dlouhá bílá žhnoucí kometa

I wish this song wouldn’t have been produced in socialist era. It would so much deserve proper rock instruments.

Zuzana Navarová – Marie

Czech folk singer who stays her own.

 

Markéta Irglová – Let Me Fall in Love

She might deserve a better spot in my rankings because she sings in English and she’s internationally well-known. She even got an Oscar for music for the Once movie.
She’s a nice lady with nice sentimental music.

 

Monika Načeva – Udžuj svou ledničku plnou

I know only this song from Monika but I love it.

Věra Martinová – Ó pane náš

Another singer with one hit only. But a good one.

Anna K. – Píseň o slzách

Anna K. doesn’t have the best voice but she has nice songs. My favorite one is her duet with Aneta Langerová. Aneta is clearly better, but it’s her song.

Iveta Bartošová – Léto

She’s kinda my guilty pleasure as she’s really a pop-star. But I like this one song. She used to be very popular but her fame ruined her and she committed a suicide.

Iva Bittová – Zabili

According to Wikipedia, she’s quite famous.  She’s avant-garde violinist, singer, and composer. This is my favorite one of her creation.

 

Marcela Holanová – Ráno (cover of Strano)

Another one hit (but amazing) hit.

 

Petra Janů – Už nejsem volná

I just like this cover of The Power of Love in Czech, that’s all. And Petra Janů used to be very popular.


If you like this list, you can continue e.g. with Eva Pilarová, Yvonne Přenosilová, Monika Absolonová or Věra Bílá.

I haven’t covered opera singers, where I would mention Ema Destinová, Milada Šubrtová or Eva Urbanová

If I should talk about contemporary popular ones, I should probably mention Lenny, Debbi, Monika Bagárová, Marta Jandová or Markéta Konvičková but I don’t really know their work.

Ok, that’s all.

Cheers,

Pavel

New Year’s Koala. Resolutions are Shit

Hello my readers and especially my 2 followers!

I wrote my last article on December the 28th.

I didn’t make any New Year’s resolutions as I think it’s a bit lame and human made measurement of time called years had no significant impact on my perception of time.

But while drunk on New Years Eve I felt kinda happy (because of the drunkenness) and I was drinking on “good year 2018” and on “2018 is gonna be our year” many times, especially with my brother.

Surprise surprise, 11 days haven passed an everything seems to be the same shit.

PEPE.png

I made for myself a lot of resolutions, I do it every other few weeks or a month. I wanted to get rid of social anxiety by becoming more social (which is the only cure), meet people and do some fun.

Well I don’t see any progress but yes, it’s a long distance run.

So I thought I could at least finish some points of my TO DO list. I have so many points there as to visit doctors, answer emails, buy a light bulb, wash my clothes or wash the dishes regularly and not first when they start to stink.
Whatever, writing lists and doing resolutions doesn’t work.

I had really depressed few days lately. I’m sitting at home, not going to the university and waiting till I get broke. Then I will finally have to do some stuff, at least to take care of my finances.
And in 3 weeks I have a last attempt in my exam. If  I fail, I will get kicked out of the university. Haven’t attended the class so far this semester.

I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid I can’t help myself, need to define even easier goals, stop spending all my time on the internet and just DO stuff.

I’m wondering if this state will have an impact on my future. I already felt like drinking a lot since I was 14 and not doing anything made me much more stupid compared to others. I used to be a very clever and talented kid, now I feel really mediocre without any motivation.

What helped me a bit was a meme which said that laziness is just a lack of motivation. I’m not lazy, I’m demotivated.
At least that term helped. It’s like when I’m saying I’m failing my classes because I’m mentally ill, not because I’m lazy.
But again, it’s just a matter of perspective, it doesn’t change the reality, only makes myself feel a little bit better. Punishing myself was the worst approach which I apparently used a lot.

So, as a conclusion, there has to be some WORK done.
I need to start to search for a job and learn for the exam. Otherwise I’d have to start all over again.
In the last therapy session and older lady cried how unhappy she is and that it’s been so many years. I would rather die than suffer the whole life and have a mental breakdown at my 60s.

Will try to write something positive of interesting next time, not a complaint again.

Cheers,

Pavel

Sad Koala Strikes Again

Hello folks!

Today it’s just a short brainstorming. I have no exact topic in my head. Still recovering from the jealousness attack from yesterday.
By the way, it’s my 10th day in a row when I was drinking. Not a lot every day but still, I feel unhealthy and I definitely drink too much.

There are just too many thoughts running through my head. I would love to get rid of my internet addiction. I don’t remember when was the last time I went to sleep as a regular person. I just can’t turn off the internet and go to sleep, therefore staying awake always till 3 am.

I am wondering what could be the reasons. I guess one of them are my nightmares. Usually when I sleep, I have very bad dreams and when I wake up, I have a bad feeling. Usually it’s just things I haven’t done form my to-do list or just worst-case scenarios which do happen. Sexuality, university, no friends and failing. Everything is connected with my bad mood.

And right now, I’m doing the same. Had 5 beers, I’m sleepy and I’m still procrastinating. I don’t even know what is so difficult about turning the notebook off. But it’s everyday the same. On last Facebook check, on last game, one last check of all dating websites (and then not answering as it’s too late).

And this article makes no sense, it’s just random complaining. I should rather quit and go to sleep. Howgh.

 

Cheers,

Pavel

I’m Extremely Jealous. Or Am I?

Hello world!

I’m writing this article pretty drunk.

I am sad and it’s about relationship(s).

Ehsggsdgdso, how do you deal with being jealous?

I guess, my low self-confidence makes it much harder.

I had a a few month-lasting (dating) relationship with two guys. There were few problems but let’s state the biggest one – I liked one of the guys much more then the second one. Therefore, it couldn’t last for a long time.
After about 3 months I decided to break up as there was no way I would like to continue in this 3-persons-relationship. I just didn’t want to be in a relationship with the second guy. And I think polygamy in general isn’t really for me.

BUT. I really liked the one guy. But I thought it would be the right decision to break up. And that I would meet other people.
It didn’t turned out as I wished/expected.

The two guys I was in a relationship with (and they had a relationship together before) decided to have an open relationship. It worked out as following: I was meeting with the guy I liked often and I really enjoyed it). I met both of them, it was my comfort zone, but I enjoyed much more to meet with the one. And I really liked him (it wasn’t love but I guess English has no expression between like and love). Whatever. It took about other two months till the last week.
I made a lot of thinking and came to the conclusion I couldn’t continue like this and that I would either like to have a relationship with that one guy or to search for something new. I could’t have a relationship with that guy so I tried to date someone new (my first two tries weren’t successful).

And today, he told me about his date and I got extremely jealous. He told me he came  3 times! (!!!)
And I’m jealous. I feel I shouldn’t have left him. I am really emotional.
As I told him last week I didn’t want anything sexual to happen between us, it was one of the hardest things I’ve done in my life. I just really wanted to kiss him, hold him and to cuddle. But for the future, there wouldn’t be a way and I felt stuck, not doing anything.

Today he told me about his date and I felt so freaking jealous. Was it a right decision to leave it be? How will I ever find he one I will be happy with?
It’s so hard.
Sometimes I have the feeling to give up and commit a suicide. As there were just no good times in the last years. But then  again I feel like it’s just a phase and someone is awaiting me out there.

But again, I have to mention, why is it that hard?! I just hate it that nothing works out as I like. And I’m lonely and feel incompatible with anyone. And I’m wasting my time. And it’s just so frustrating.

When I finally found somebody who likes me and wants to be with me, he has to be involved in a relationship with another guy? Really? F*ck me.

Just a regular sadness-overload.

I wish it to end soon. (without mentioning the way)

Cheers,